Sometimes I wonder if I’m too much of a romantic for the dating world we live in.
I understand that people approach dating differently. Some want casual connections, others are exploring, while some, like me, are dating with marriage and family in mind. None of these approaches are wrong. We’re allowed to want different things. What matters is being honest about our intentions.
What I sometimes struggle with is how dating can feel like a game of who cares less, who texts first and who holds the upper hand. I want to enjoy getting to know someone, show affection freely and not feel like genuine interest is something I need to hide.
I know the kind of partnership I hope to have. I want a man with vision, ambition and purpose, who is teachable, kind, emotionally mature and intentional about the life he’s building. Someone who shares my faith and genuinely loves the things of God, whose character reflects it in how he lives and treats others. I want us to be genuine friends, to laugh together, enjoy each other’s company and still have room for romance. Yes, I want a man who simps for me a little! Someone who enjoys making me happy and notices the little things. I also want someone who genuinely looks forward to being a husband and an involved father.
My faith shapes how I understand love. I often think about 1 Corinthians 13:4–7, which reminds us that love is patient, kind, humble, not self-seeking and persevering. I don’t expect a perfect man, but I do want a relationship where these values are reflected in how we treat each other.
I know not everything is set in stone. People express and receive love differently, and relationships require compromise. I’m willing to learn, adjust and meet someone halfway. I don’t need someone who fits every preference perfectly. But kindness, respect, faith, honesty, intentionality and mutual effort are foundations I won’t compromise on. We can have different ways of expressing love, but these values must remain at the heart of how we treat each other and build our relationship.
I recently came across a post about the difference between needs, wants and availability, and it made me reflect on dating a little differently. Sometimes we get so caught up in what we want in a person that we forget to consider what we actually need in a healthy partnership, and whether the person we’re pursuing is genuinely available to offer it. I know there are things I’d love in a partner and others I genuinely need. It’s not enough to meet someone who possesses qualities I admire; they must also have the willingness, readiness and capacity to build the kind of relationship I’m looking for. Someone can look wonderful on paper and still not be available for the relationship you desire.
Perhaps this is also shaped by how I’ve had to navigate life. I’ve had to make decisions, take risks and figure things out without always having a safety net. I’ve learned that I can survive difficult things. But choosing a life partner and building a family is different. I don’t need a man to rescue me; I want a partner I can trust and build with.
I know I can survive without a safety net. I just refuse to build my family that way.
I understand that marriage won’t always be perfectly balanced. There will be seasons when one person has more to give than the other. What matters is knowing that the willingness to show up goes both ways. I love intentionally, attach deeply and believe partnership means choosing each other, especially when life isn’t easy.
I also know that someone can be a good person and still not be the right person for me. We can have chemistry and genuine affection but want different things. Neither person has to be wrong; sometimes we’re simply not aligned.
And I know this journey isn’t just about finding the right person; it’s also about becoming the right partner. I have my own areas of growth, and I’m learning to be more intentional about the kind of woman I am and the kind of love I bring into a relationship. I want to offer the same kindness, respect, support and willingness to grow that I hope to receive. I also pray for God’s wisdom and discernment, not just to recognise the qualities I desire in someone, but to see beyond words and recognise genuine character, intentions and readiness.
I’m not asking everyone to want what I want. I’m simply no longer interested in shrinking my expectations to fit a dating culture that may not reflect my values.
These are my cards. You can decide whether they align with yours. And if they don’t, that’s okay. I’d rather be honest about what I want than pretend to want less just to be chosen.
Perhaps this is what taking the back seat looks like for me. It doesn’t mean giving up on dating, becoming passive or sitting around waiting for someone to choose me. It means stepping away from the pressure of making things happen at all costs. I no longer want to chase connections, carry the weight of getting to know someone or convince someone to see the value of building something meaningful with me. I’m still open, still willing to put in effort and still interested in love. I just want that effort to be mutual. I want to give people room to show me who they are, what they want and whether they are genuinely ready to build something.
I’m learning that I don’t have to drive every connection forward. I can slow down, pay attention and allow someone else to meet me halfway. Taking the back seat isn’t abandoning my desire for love; it’s letting go of the need to control how or when it happens.
I still believe in love, marriage, family and the beauty of building a life with someone. I just want a love that feels like home.
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